What is wrong with 2019?

People read and believe everything they read without questioning it. What happened to finding out if what you are reading or being told is real? What happened to questioning it? What are you a robot? Follow the rules of the people you are close with. Whatever they say you go with? I do not understand what is wrong with 2019. Stop reading and believing everything. Start asking questions. Start making yourself see outside the box. Explore and fight against what others are doing to get a better understanding.

No one can have an opinion unless it is exactly like yours. What happened to being able to be civil with people you do not agree with? What happened to educational debates? What happened with free speech? We all have the right to have our own opinions, believes, faith or whatever you have. I don’t need to agree with you to be your friend or family. You do need to respect mine as I respect yours. It is a sad world to see people killing someone because they do not agree with your sexual orientation. It is a sad world to kill someone because they have a different faith or religion.

I do not believe anyones opinion should control what someone else decides to do. Where did this mindset come from? If you don’t like something that is okay but you shouldn’t get to dictate if someone can or cannot. We all have our own moral compasses. We are all individuals. We our own thoughts, opinions, beliefs, mindsets and more. Some people out there want to be like their friends and not think outside their own circles thoughts. That’s up to them but I will not agree with you if you say something.

Do not expect me to agree with you because you are my friend or family. Do not expect me to lie and tell you that you look good in what you are wearing. Do not expect me to follow what society is doing. Even if I agree with your opinion, do not expect me to agree that those without our opinion do not matter. That they should “die” or whatever because they do not have the same opinion. Do not expect me to not be friends with someone who does not have the same opinions or beliefs as me. Of course, there are certain lines I draw but not this immature way of handling it.

What is wrong with this world in 2019?

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Little Ole’ Me: Real or not

I have been wanting to post on here for a few days. I started thinking about me when I was younger. Just two different aspects that I wanted to share.

Santa Claus, WWE, Movies, and what’s reality?

When I was in elementary school-ish years, I remember asking if Santa Claus was real? I remember my mom trying to tell me in the nicest way possible. I was heart broken. Why would someone lie about something so great? I tried to ignore it and still believe. Christmas was my happy place. I would go on for years longer after being told of his non-existence, still believing. Not in the man but believing in the mindset. What is true?

When I was a little bit older but still young, I used to watch WWE religiously. I loved it so much until the day my mom’s fiance told me it was fake. I was heart broken. I felt betrayed. How do I know when something is real or not?

Despite these two shockers, I used to watch movies, understanding that they were movies but believing they were real. I thought that is how families were. That is what love is like. It took me a long time to realize movies are for Hollywood not to be put on the same shelf with family movies.

What is a friend?

A friend is a person you have things in common with and enjoy being around. I have had friends and then they move on. I have had what I thought were friends but were not. As a young autistic kid, it was hard to understand what a friend really meant. It was hard to understand why people hated me so much. It was hard to even understand myself. How could I be confident and forget the haters when I didn’t understand why I was the way I was?

Friends, they are amazing they they are true friends. But when I was younger, I guess the attention no matter how negative or positive it was. I enjoyed people paying attention to me. As I grew up I understood the mean ones were bullies. People who took advantage of me and did not care about me.

Once I realized who the true friends were I learned to stick with them. There’s a part of my high school which is blurred out in memories, and friends I had I cannot remember why we were no longer friends. I think people grow apart. Friends, I have a few great ones I don’t know where I’d be without them.

Hostility

Passive-Agressive

I don’t know about anyone else, but I hate when people are passive-aggressive. I get that whatever this person is dealing with is deep-seated and complicated. The person is hostile towards another or a group.

Why can’t people be honest without being mean? Why can’t people say what is on their minds and talk to the person they have these feelings with? What is scary is someone who is being passive-aggressive can be all nice to people but be holding the grudge right behind their kind gestures?

It is funny that the person being passive-aggressive will always deny their responsibility and put the blame on another person. Sometimes they will even deny being passive-aggressive. Maybe they do not know they are doing it? Or they know but cannot speak the truth?

Only can something change is when the passive-aggressive person becomes more self-aware of their actions and behaviors. This type of person needs to mature, and it is not the receiving persons fault or job to change them.  

The only thing we can do is change or focus on what we have control of. We can only take charge of our own responsibility.

Communication is important in every type of relationship. If the communication is open, accusations and assumptions can be swiped away quickly before any deep-seated resentment begins.

I honestly wish everyone had the same moral compass with honesty. This would create better relationships.

Anxiety, Overthinking and a Dead Battery

Dead Battery

Last weekend I made my little sister’s baby shower happen. It was awesome. Everything was better than I expected it to be. After the baby shower, and my fiance and I got home. It was the end. I could not be. It was hard to talk. It was hard to sleep. I did not want to be talked to. I just wanted everything to be quiet. I hate this part of an overload. During the time, I can make it awesome. I am there and I will be in 110% but after it is over… I am like a dead battery. It takes about 24-hours plus and this time it did. Gosh this was so hard. This baby shower happened Saturday and it is Tuesday and I think I am only at 70%. I still need time to charge. Does anyone else have this?

Normal Robotic Humans

While I drove the car, I started to think as I saw cars driving around me. Doesn’t anyone realize that everyone does what they are told to do? Whether it is cultural or whatever. It just is. We are like robots. How are we living? We go to work or school — where we spend the most of our time? We go home, shower, eat, and sleep. We repeat this. Repeat. Repeat. Why should we continue to keep up with what everyone else is to do? Why is this the norm? What happened to making memories? experiences? hobbies? family?

Anxiety

Overthinking runs my life. Anxiety ruins my life. Tightened muscles and internalizing everything hurts me. Anxiety just continues to ruin my life. I cannot take SSRIs. I cannot take any medication because my body does not allow it. Homeopathic supplements are doing the best they can as I slowly enter them into my system. At least after I ended using Buspar which was the best anxiety medication I have ever been on except for the dry mouth. It eliminated the overthinking during the evening before sleep which is what keeps me up. It took away the anxiety and the constant thoughts that never left before it. However, I stopped it a month or so back. I was scared but I did it. Everything came back… all the anxiety, and overthinking and all the other stuff. The panicking, the panic attacks, the feeling like I am having a heart attack. Will it ever go away? Can I get out of this apartment without my fiance? Can I get out of this apartment without having an appointment? The anxiety is real serious now.

I am fighting back with my naturopathic doctor and my homeopathic supplements. I am basically floating on my back on the water of life. At least I can breathe now. I am getting there and this takes times but I am getting there. I won’t let it run my life, ruin my life or hurt me. I will overcome this and not let it overcome me.

Keeping Up with Self-care

Before I started my college career, my creativity was off the charts. Yes, I would have those times where it would be like “writers block” but for painting and drawing. I used to write poetry every day. Paint every day and even draw or doodle everyday. It has been awhile. School has eliminated my creativity. My focus is in getting good grades. My self-care is in the form of painting, drawing/doodling, writing poetry, listening to music, and exercising. I barely do any of this every day or every week. My focus is college and I am afraid I will always have my focus be one thing and my self-care be pushed to the side.

I need to figure out how to have one main thing whether it is college or work and being able to still incorporate painting, life, chores, and other aspects in my life. I wonder if this is apart of executive functioning issues I have. All I know it affects my life all the time. Keeping up with self-care can be hard because I have this routine of obsessing about one thing — what my focus needs to be focused on first.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated? The struggle is real. Sometimes when I set up in my schedule to do something like painting it gets pushed away. Sometimes it will work for a few weeks and then gets lost in my routine. Once I get this figured out for the long-term self-care can be apart of my life as well as other aspects of my life that get pushed to the side after awhile. I want to take care of my fiance, and our furbabies. I need to start with myself.

April 30th: What Being Autistic Means to Me

This is the last day in April and instead of writing a final fact I want to state what Autistic means being to me. I am proud of my focus. Without my Autism, I wouldn’t be able to focus on something for hours. My concentration is incomparable. Being Autistic means everything to me. I wouldn’t be myself without being Autistic. My perspective is truly different than everyone I have ever met, even though who are also autistic or neurodiverse. That’s the beauty we are are all our own and if this world was the same it would be extremely boring.

Yes, there are things that can occur negatively. There are downsides to certain aspects of my Autism like my hyper focus can make me forget to pee or eat. I cannot pick when my hyper focus will occur sometimes it just happens.

I would never change being Autistic. I would never hide my Autism. I am proud to be Autistic. I am proud to say I was originally diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. I am proud to be on the spectrum. Without this diagnosis at 19 years old, I didn’t understand myself or why I was the way I was. This diagnosis helped me understand myself which ultimately made me realize I wanted to be alive for years to come. It showed me I have a reason to live and it is to educate people of Autism and help people learn to accept us as is.

When someone loves me, it is true. Because I can be hard to love due to my quirks but if a person stays they truly love me for me quirks and all. The world needs to learn to love, accept and be aware & educated on Autism. We are not going anywhere. There is no cure. There just needs to be accommodations and acceptance.

Autism does not go away in adulthood. Autism does not get easier in adulthood. If anything, as I have grown up I have been able to learn more about myself and how my autism has affected me. This allows me to help others understand and continue to grow into the person I am today. This, however, does not mean it gets easier or I grow out of my Autism. Autism to me has been since birth and will be with me forever.

Being Autistic means being creative, honest, love-able, quirky, hyper, open-minded, extroverted- introvert, rigid, hypersensitive, determined, and dedicated. These are just a few words I would say describe who I am and because of my Autism.

Autism to me means I am not (dis)abled. I just have the ability to think differently. I just have the ability to view the world differently. That is okay. I am okay to be who I am even if it is different from the rest of the world. It does not make me any less important.

I hope everyone has enjoyed my facts of my autism and Autism to me for Autism Awareness Month. Just because April is to end does not mean Autism acceptance or awareness should!

Power through the Pain and enter the Present

Life does not come with any guarantees. We are not guaranteed closure. We are not guaranteed answers. Despite these challenges, we can still move on and experience new things, open our heart and mind and accept different opportunities. You can either chose to be haunted and hurt by the past or you can learn from it. The past is just a foundation that helps us become who we are today. The path in relationships will have challenges that are thrown in the way, but that is life. Don’t stand in your own way of happiness.  Don’t stand in your own way of moving forward in a great relationship or friendship. Stop giving the past power over the present.

A Weekend Full of Facts in One Post

26. I could be a better partner. I could be a better person. I can be a very good partner for bouts at a time but it is hard to keep it up longer. I am not afraid to talk about this because I know there might be another autistic person in a relationship with a person who is not autistic.

My fiance luckily is an occupational therapist so she gets it. She is kind-hearted and understanding. She helps me be a better self. She helps me be independent. She also gets me and knows ways to help me in times of need. I feel that she is absolutely amazing. I wish to be that for her more often then not but I struggle.

You may wonder… why am I saying this? I do not clean. I do not cook. I do not do the laundry. I am worse than worse. Why? Well… I do not see things as “dirty” only when she points it out. Then after she points it out I will help her clean. I only see what I am focused on. I can cook with help. It takes a million years. But I can make pancakes, eggs, and bake some chicken. I do not do the laundry because it gives me anxiety. I can do laundry because my fiance taught me. Yes, she taught me.

I may come off as “high functioning” but I do have struggle being independent. I do struggle with doing my part in the relationship. I am embarrassed to say it but I struggle with it every day. I am not “wifey” material. I have my autistic and routine ways. I have always been like this, ask my mom. If I have “chores” I will do them but they need to be routine or it won’t happen. I struggle with being a great partner to my amazing half. Luckily, she still loves me. I really struggle to be a good half to my soulmate.

27. Executive functioning issues are prominent in my life as well as others with Autism. I have severe problem keeping track of my possessions. My fiance wanted me to get a beeper attached my keys and wallet because I always lost them. Without a schedule I will lose track of time and sometimes I think the time just disappears. Organization is absent. It doesn’t even belong in my dictionary or vocabulary. My organization is a messy type but I know where everything is. Though, everyone else would feel overwhelmed seeing my organization of things. I cannot multitask. Even though I do not have a one track mind I still kind of do. I overthink everything under the sun. However, I need to focus on one thing at a time or I get overwhelmed. At times I struggle with the white and black thinking patterns.

28. I have the known gastrointestinal issues that come along with Autism. I was born with IBS-C, which stands for Irritable Bowel Syndrome with Constipation. I cannot eat too much fiber or I get constipated. I have always had GI issues for all of my life. No matter the type of diet they have never left. I mean I have tried EVERYTHING. Vegan. Gluten-Free. Sugar-free. Keto. Paleo. Vegetarian. Whole 30. I have combined them or done them separately. I am just extra prone to horrible GI issues for life.

29. Fight-or-Flight is typically heightened in those with Autism. My fight-or-flight response is extremely sensitive. The brain and the gut are connected through the nervous system. I know for me my brain, body and including (28) the gut are all on edge ready to fight a battle or leave as soon as possible. This creates issues in our bodies, especially mine. For me, this is also affecting other issues like muscles in the pelvic area. Overtime, I feel like my hypersensitive and heightened nervous system is starting to affect other parts of my body. I am unable or unaware of this issues. I am just starting to learn it now. Overtime I haven’t known this and it has been going on for 30 years. Now I am learning on how to calm my body down to lessen the severity of fight-or-flight issues.

A Poem For Those Who Have Trouble to Love Themselves

We praise love your neighbor

But we must start with ourselves

If you have the ability to love,

      L O V E   Y o u r s e l f

F I R S T

Overcome the negative beliefs

 A B O U T   Y o u r s e l f

Just let these thoughts go

You’d never let someone bully you

No longer can you allow y o u r s e l f

To be bullied by your negative thoughts

Embrace your flaws and

And avoid perfectionism

If you have trouble accepting

Anything less than perfect

You’re pursuing feelings of negativity

Forgive y o u r s e l f

For all your ‘mistakes’

Learn from these challenges

And only can you grow within

If you have the ability to L O V E

      L O V E   Y O U R S E L F

                  F I R S T

Written today: 04/25/2019

April 24 & 25: Co-morbid, Neurodiverse Reactions

24. Autism is not a mental health issue. It is a developmental disorder. Autism can have co-morbidity with mental health issues like anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder and other mental health disorders. Autism can have co-morbidity with OCD, ADHD, and other things. These are other diagnosis’s that can co-exist with Autism. Along with Autism, I have general anxiety disorder, learning disabilities, OCD, and other things. I am not embarrassed to say it because these co-morbid diagnosis’s make me who I am. Also, they are not labels they just help people in my life better understand my struggles. I never use them as a crutch just helpful understanding.

Neurodiversity at its best. Autism is apart of neurodiversity. Mental health disorders, developmental disorders, intellectual disorders, learning disabilities and more are all involved in neurodiversity. A neurotypical (NT) is a person without these diagnosis’s.

25. I am known to having unusual or intense reactions to things. This could be towards noises, something I smell, tasted, felt or see. My face will definitely tell you how I feel if the sounds or words out of my mouth do not. My feet may walk very fast away and that means I need to go. My fingers may go to ears and hold them tight to fight away the sound. I may jump or scream or whatever it is. Some people might view it as unusual, intense or too much. I just wish people could see the reaction and realize that maybe whatever I am dealing with might be unusual, intense or too much for me.

These are just another two facts about Autism and about me & my autism. My neurodiverse life is just filled with fun, positivity, anxiety and love. 🙂